Today marks the beginning of Purim, which is Jewish for “Lets Get Fuckin Rowdy”.
The Holiday is to commemorate the Jews surviving a holocaust at the hands of the Great King.
…I’m talking about Xerxes of course.
But our curly haired, flatbread eating friends survived. Thanks to Esther and an old wizard looking dude named Mordecai who had a pet panther.
Turns out wiping the jews isn’t a new idea. Many Jews returned to the holy land of Bethlehem although it was under the rule of the great Persian Empire. Xerxes was cool with most people. He even threw dope parties. One time he was throwing a rager, he called for his boo to join him. She was all like “Boy, I ain’t comin down there and dealing with your dumb drunk friends”
So Xerxes boys were like: “Yo, bish has to go. If she disrespected you like that, all our girls are goona act the same way”
So he calls in his crew and says “aight, we gotta find me a new shawty. Squad, hit the streets and report back”
The crew begins plans for a banger and are hitting the town.
as the princes pass all bow except for Mordecai (we will call him Morty for short). He won’t bow because he’s a Jew and this royally pisses off the… uh… royalty. So they set out to convince the king after the party that they should kill all jews since they don’t obey their laws. But during that party he met a little cutie with a fine ass booty. Made her the Queen. Queen Esther.
But Queen Esther…. is MORTYS COUSIN!!! DRAMAAAAAAA!
The plan was in motion. One of the kings high council, Haman created a lottery system to determine when to wipe out the Jews. It was called… Prium! This caused Morty to go into depression believing it was his fault. He wore beggars robes and sent word to the Queen what Haman had planned.
So when that little Grima Wormtounge fuck Haman tried to convince The Great All God Xerxes to wipe out the Jews, Esther was all like “…naw”. But that was real difficult.
Turns out approaching the king without being summoned means instadeath. So she sent word to the Jewish people to fast for 3 days, and she will do the same before she meets the King.
So Queen Esther kicks open the door and Xerxes boys are like “Hey this is the man cave, no girls allowed!” but Xerxes is turned on by her being a boss bitch. So, not being killed, she invites him and Haman to a banquet. It is there she pleads for her like and the life of her cousin Morty (who also kinda saved the king, listen, this is a long story). So Xerxes is like, “who is goona try and ice u boo?”
“This asshole!” she proclaims pointing at Haman.
“Nobody fucks wit ma shawty” proclaims the king, and orders Haman to be hung and Morty to be… princed.
So the modern day Jews use this day to get TURNT UP! They dress in costumes like Morty, Esther, Haman and Xerxes and are encouraged to make noise at Synagogue during the reading of the Book of Esther whenever Haman comes up.
After a night of fasting, the adults are encouraged to drink until they do not “know the difference between ‘cursed be Haman’ and ‘blessed be Mordechai’”. Snacking on triangle cookies called hamantaschen, the Jews celebrate what they do best.
No, wait, sorry, I meant Survive.